i want to be invisible

i am a fool.

wait wait what happened?

sometimes it is good to remind ourselves of what we really want because man can our brains be super tricky. i don't think i have ever sat down to write about this before but now is as good a time as any.

the guy i want will be so very flawed. he is just a normal guy. but he will be focused on the right things. he will be desperately searching for closeness with his savior. he won't save me. he can't. but he will lead me as best he can. he will support me and respect that i don't want to have sex before i get married. in fact, he will be attracted to me because of it. his will fall in love with me even more God strengthens my spirit and shapes me into the woman he intended me to be. this man will rejoice with me as i revel in the life God has in store for me.

i would like to think that he will be passionate about words and melodies. but if he doesn't happen to be particularly inspired by those things, my passion for them will make him love me that much more. he won't laugh at me and say: that's not poetry. he will help me look for the poetry when even i don't see it. and not because he even cares that much about it, but because he knows it's important to me. he doesn't have to have the same tastes as me, but he will see the value in my tastes because he values me and my opinion, and what inspires me.

he won't let me pity myself. he will push me to be better. he will hold me accountable. but his honesty will be kind and encouraging. this man won't make me explain myself at every turn. my quirky, weird behavior and though processes will not annoy him (somehow). he will see me for me and not want to change me. he'll just... i don't know......love me for who i am? that sounds so cliche. but i don't know how else to describe it. i'm so tired of trying to fit myself into someone else's life. i'm tired of trying to be someone that someone else would want. i just want to be me. i just want someone to see value in me just because i am me. even if i don't see value in me just because i am me.

like i said. i don't need someone to save me. God already did that, and he waits for me to let him continue to do so. but i am not opposed to the idea of such a guy coming along soon.

acceptance

this is the way things are. you will never be wanted like you see other people being wanted. you are an afterthought. just because you are in a new place, doesn't change who you are. just because you are with a new group of people, doesn't mean they will treat you any different from the old group of people. you will be the one left out. there will be no effort to include you. out of sight out of mind. get used to being alone.

not that girl

i've had a lot of practice at letting go, and i'm good at it. i won't be that girl that is depressed because the guy she likes doesn't like her back. i won't be the creepy, annoying girl desperately going after something she can never have. i won't make a fool of myself because i've tricked myself into thinking the impossible is possible. that is so pathetic and embarrassing. why on earth would i continue to act on romantic feelings that will never be returned? i refuse to give to a guy what he will never give me in return. i'm not going to wait around to see if he grows attracted to me when i know it won't happen. let it go as soon as it comes. things are easier that way.

so what if a guy actually IS attracted to me? well that's easy. the situation will be one of the following so it won't amount to anything: 1. guy is either creepy, socially awkward, or off limits. 2. guy isn't attracted enough to show it. because other than coming right out and telling me, there's no way he can ever convince me that he's interested. part of that letting go thing is doing a convincing job at telling myself that the things he says and does are out of friendship and nothing more. i don't play the games. i don't read the "signs." i'm so tired of reading so much into meaningless words and gestures. that's how you get wound up about nothing. i'm good at not letting people in. it's not worth all the work for any guy. they realize it sooner or later.

and while it may require some bitterness,  i get over the stupid attraction phase with friendships intact. anger is the alternative to sadness. how pathetic is the "woe is me" attitude? i will never be so wrapped up in a guy that i feel self pity that he isn't attracted to me. no guy deserves to make me feel that way. anger preserves dignity. and then anger fades.

is it so much to ask for?

a man. a real man that can stand up and tell you that he cares about you. i'm tired of games. the stupid flirting. does he like me? does she think i'm cute? blah blah blah. it's all so stupid and in the end never amounts to anything. people get all worked up over nothing at all. it's all just drama. a waste of time. isn't there someone out there that can just go for what he wants without all the games? i'm not going to play. i want something real.

Christmas wishes don't come true

isn't christmas supposed to bring people together? like heaven to earth? like reconciliation to the estranged?

the one thing i want is for the people i care about to care back. i want the broken to be fixed. oh how impossible this seems. nothing cool like that ever happens to me. reconciliation, love, these things are for other people.

Life is great

when you realize how much of a disappointment you are to those around you.

on a mostly unrelated note, it's just flipping awesome when you wake up from that dream in which your best friend actually wants to be your best friend again.

and how about how no one ever tells you that they like your outfit, or that you are pretty. but they make sure to tell you that you look tired, or sick. even when you're not the least bit of either. i guess you should just be happy that they even noticed that you are alive.