Christmas wishes don't come true

isn't christmas supposed to bring people together? like heaven to earth? like reconciliation to the estranged?

the one thing i want is for the people i care about to care back. i want the broken to be fixed. oh how impossible this seems. nothing cool like that ever happens to me. reconciliation, love, these things are for other people.

Life is great

when you realize how much of a disappointment you are to those around you.

on a mostly unrelated note, it's just flipping awesome when you wake up from that dream in which your best friend actually wants to be your best friend again.

and how about how no one ever tells you that they like your outfit, or that you are pretty. but they make sure to tell you that you look tired, or sick. even when you're not the least bit of either. i guess you should just be happy that they even noticed that you are alive.

there is this place.

it's where you find yourself when you've been around an idea your whole life. but now you're finding out that you've been missing the point the entire time. your whole life. 

and now your understanding of this idea is changing. and you are changing. not in a flash-bang kinda way, but in a slow building of consciousness made up numerous and closely spaced "aha moments." and you feel like a child again.

now, like when you were a child, there is depth and newness, and this sense of wonder. at this point you can grasp the importance of the situation, but this new understanding is also young. it needs time to grow. and so you're not sure how to respond. of course you have been exposed to a version of this thing your whole life so you know how you are supposed to respond; and you can see how others have responded. but this newness is still well..... new. and frankly it's also a little scary. i mean this change is BIG. it's something that you can't do halfway. you're in or out.

it's not the jumping in that is the problem. the jump in is exciting and refreshing like the first summer swim after a long winter. but the swimming. that's the thing. this new pool requires a new way of swimming that is completely different than any other way you've ever conceived of swimming. and at this point you're not sure if you and this new understanding are strong enough to learn. you can see other people swimming the right way in this new pool. i mean this pool is old for them. they've been swimming here for years. and you know that you want to swim just like them. and you hope beyond hope that someday you will be able to.